From A Mile Away
by rgs38
Summary: The team reflecting on some calls and Greg's reactions. Post-Slow Burn AU. Team-Centric concerning an alternate ending that focuses on Greg and the decisions he's made. Reflective of all of Season 4. Vague synopsis for a reason, so just read it!
1. Chapter 1

From a Mile Away

_So it's been a long time since I wrote and it's kind of killing me. School is seriously intense this year, I took on a tad too much between work and classes and just being able to sleep and eat regularly and let's just say that I could really feel Greg at the end of "Slow Burn." I was totally burnt out and frustrated and just done with the semester. Now I'm home for a month and have no plans besides writing and applying for summer internships...and sleep (a lot of sleep). So, on that note, the tail end of this season might just be my favorite thing in the world including chocolate and pizza. Loved all this angst they were giving us! So there are going to be spoilers for the entire end of Season 4 through "Slow Burn" though this is going to tweak the ending slightly (aka. A LOT) So big spoilers and big change. I still don't own Flashpoint but I'd love to hear what you think about this idea. Thanks!_

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><p>"I should have seen this coming." Spike said bitterly as his shoulders sunk, his eyes glazing over as he stared off out the windows of the briefing room. It was dark out now, not the orange sunset that they had walked into the SRU seeing. Now the bright florescent lights of the large room reflected off the darkened glass, the glare cutting into their eyes like swords.<p>

"Spike." Ed shot a warning glare to the young man, his tone making him sit up a bit straighter and refocus. "Don't blame yourself here. I didn't see this coming either, none of us did." He motioned with his eyes around the table. Four team members all looked back at him, looking for some kind of direction, some explanation.

"Why the hell did he do it?" Sam's voice was horse, an angry whisper. "He had the option to throw those papers away and he didn't do it..." He glanced around with some passion, wanting someone to disagree with him, wanting someone to invalidate his point and throw the blame on someone else but the room stayed silent. It was a thick silence that begged to be broken. They all wanted that connecting thread to appear before them, for something to explain how the day progressed as it had but nothing was making itself evident.

"I saw if happening." A deep voice came from the corner of the table. They hated to admit it, but sometimes they forgot Raf was there. They liked him, he was fitting in fine, working hard, but if they weren't facing him and they weren't consciously aware that he was in the room, their minds automatically reverted to the image of Wordy sitting around the table with them.

"What do you mean, Raf?" Ed asked in what he tried to make a compassionate tone. This was supposed to be a debriefing and he was supposed to be leading it but he couldn't keep his emotions in check enough to be neutral. Raf shook his head slightly as he rubbed his temples.

"Couple of weeks ago, the call to Fletcher Stadium-"

"No." Ed and Spike both said quickly.

"It was the heat of the moment, his life was on the line. What he said there was not grounds for any disciplinary action." Ed started to speak passionately as Spike jumped in.

"It was an impossible situation, he did what he had to do to stay alive and the fact that anyone is judging his character on that is absurd and idiotic!" Spike was growing heated as Raf waited for a pause and nearly yelled over them.

"I'm not talking about the call." He threw in quickly before he could continue to be lectured. Once their attention was back and they had all taken a few breaths, he continued. "I'm talking about after." He paused for a moment and seemed to be caught in his mind, staring at the table, leaving everyone hanging.

"Raf?" Jules mumbled just loud enough to bring him back to the moment. He looked up biting his lip and looked straight in front of him to the head of the table, avoiding eye contact with anyone in particular.

"I was doing what you said, Ed." He shrugged as he took a breath and licked his lips. "You told me to tell the boss that the hostage was doing well in the hospital, that chances were good for a full recovery. I told him that and I told him how honored I was to be on the team and how I really had learned from those drills that morning..." He trailed off again but came back to the thought after a moment. "Up on the plasma, he was watching an interview he must have done with the subject when he was trying out for SRU. I thought it was kinda weird but figured it was for the files. He seemed kind of upset so I left but..." He shook his head and looked at the table again but after a moment, Ed prompted him back into talking.

"But what, Raf?"

"Well, after I talked to him I went and got my coat from the locker room, talked to one of the guys on team two for a couple of minutes and when I walked by the briefing room all his files were scattered, thrown on the floor and all over the table. I was going to go in and ask what happened but...but I saw him with his head in his arms...I...I think he might have been crying and I didn't think he'd want me to see that so...so I left before he saw me." Raf rubbed at his temples as the room fell even more silent than it was before. "It was a really tough day for him, I mean if he didn't get a little emotional after that then I think we'd have cause to worry too..." He tried to defend himself but it wasn't necessary.

"Raf, you didn't do anything wrong buddy. He wouldn't have talked to you if you tried. You're right, it was a tough day." Ed nodded towards Raf, speaking with authority before looking at the table and adding as an afterthought, "I should'a checked up on him."

"Ed," Jules said firmly, grabbing his attention and forcing him to look up. "If you're not going to let us play the blame game, then it applies to you too." He couldn't help but smile for a moment at her logic, a small nod being the only signal of his reluctant agreement.

"He never followed up." Spike said, almost to himself before his head dropped and something connected in his mind.

"What do you mean, Spike?" Ed prompted, trying to get back into the debriefing.

"I...he..." Spike tried to find a starting place but couldn't seem to form a coherent thought. He took a deep breath and looked towards the windows again as he spoke. "You remember after me and Nat were taken hostage?" He asked, realizing the stupidity of his question after a moment. Of course they remembered. "Well, at the debrief when I...when I explained how I remembered Lou and...and my dad on days like that...I don't know..." Spike trailed off again as Ed placed a strong hand on his shoulder, a sign of strength and safety. "He usually would have followed up, you know?" Spike asked, his voice innocent and high pitched, worried.

"He didn't?" Jules said with a bit of shock as she leaned forward.

"No. I never heard about it again and, don't get me wrong," He added quickly. "it's not really something that necessarily needs to be followed up on and honestly I'm kind of glad that it wasn't dragged out again but...but a few months ago things would have been a lot different." They all nodded in agreement except Raf who, only joining the team a few months prior, wasn't aware of Greg's changing behaviors.

"Before Toth things would have been different." Sam said bitterly as they joined in in agreement. "If Toth hadn't come around, none of this would have happened." Sam continued to speak in an angry whisper but Ed found himself hesitating to agree this time.

"I'm not so sure, Sam." Ed hated being that dissenting voice in this conversation but someone needed to stop the way things were going. They way it was sounding, the team would have a convenient target of Toth, just like they had all these past months with every new and unwelcome change. "Toth was an idiot but Sarge is the one that called him in. Things were changing, it was just a matter of us noticing them."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, slightly angry at Ed for taking away their easy target of an excuse.

"Toth has a point and we've seen it play itself out. The boss hasn't been negotiating as much as he could and probably should have. I mean, that call we had to the psych lockdown; the subject was cornered with a hostage. We had tactical options covered and it was up to a negotiation to end things peacefully. It should have been his. I get where we went and it ended up working but the boss knew about the brain injury and knows how to talk to people who aren't right in the mind. I'm okay with all that but thinking back on it, it should have been his talk down." Ed reflected, as his eyes met Sam. He saw the realizations in his colleague's eyes, the pieces all fitting together, but Sam didn't want to hear it.

"No." He said adamantly as he sat up straighter. "This is Toth's fault, that self-doubt that everyone says they're seeing, that wasn't there before those freakin' psych evaluations."

"Sam," Ed spoke softly in a half-hearted warning.

"No Ed, no." Sam passionately continued. "When we all got back from the lab the day Jules got hurt, something changed. We left him alone with Toth for that call and suddenly he's considering willingly taking a suspension even though he and Jules and I were all cleared? It doesn't add up Ed. It just doesn't make sense." Sam insisted. Sometimes the team forgot just how much an impact being in the SRU and working with Ed and Greg had changed Sam, it seemed like centuries ago that he was the self-centered, cocky, loner.

"But don't you see, Sam? It does make sense." Jules spoke gently, but not so much so that she would be seen as being easy on him. Maybe it was just ingrained now because of all the pretending they'd done. The team knew they were together and, for the most part, they didn't care; they just cared about what repercussions that would have for their working relationship if they were even allowed to remain in the SRU. Winnie had fielded a call from the chief of police and had passed it on to Hollaran. he informed them when they got back that Sam and Jules were being allowed to stay on the same team and continue their relationship assuming priority of life was upheld and other regulations were followed to a t from that point on.

"How does that make sense, Jules? Are you saying that he shouldn't be here?" Sam asked with a bit of anger in his tone.

"No, no he should be here and we all know it, but obviously he doesn't believe that." There was a moment of quiet contemplation as she took a breath and rubbed her temples. "If he thought that the suspension was a bad idea, or that he didn't deserve it, or that he was okay then he would have fought it. The fact that he took it shows that there's something we're not seeing." Jules tried to explain before sighing. "He was leaning on me more than he ever has for negotiation today. You guys were busy with the first subject, you didn't see him doubting his decision to send Simon back to the hospital. It...it wasn't him. He wouldn't listen to reason, he was visibly upset and emotional, it was like he was a completely different person." There was a deep silence in the room as they all tried to accept the fact that, not only one of their own, but their leader had succumb to the emotional stresses that he was always warning them about. Ed, of course, was the one that broke the silence.

"Well, this is done. The suspension is in effect and there's nothing we can do about it now. It's just going to amplify things, the self-doubt, the confidence." Ed trailed off for a moment and thought about what his friend might be doing right now, worrying more than the rest of the team about what kind of coping might be going on.

"Losing those two guys in the fire, it was hard on us but he's never going to forgive himself, Ed." Jules said quietly, almost begging the team leader, now acting Sergeant, to come up with a solution. Ed looked at her, looked at all of them for a long moment before sighing.

"I know." He stated quietly, trying to find a solution to this mess.

"You think..." Raf spoke softly, looking away from Ed as they made eye contact briefly. "You think if he'd stayed and talked to Simon they would have lived?" His volume tapered off slowly, not sure if he should be asking the question. Ed took a breath and thought carefully about his words, knowing all eyes were on him.

"I don't know." He said with obviously half-hearted confidence. "I think he connected with the guy and, maybe another day things would have gone differently. I think the Sarge we all know could have done it. But today...maybe today wasn't that kind of a day." He hoped that he was being true to their teammate and friend but he still felt like the answer wasn't giving him enough credit. "All I know is that today is done. We've got to think about what's going to happen in two weeks." Ed tried to sound a bit more upbeat and firm in his tone but he knew that the attitude was so glum that it wouldn't do much.

"If he comes back in two weeks..." Spike added softly, bringing everyone back to the very harsh reality that Team One might permanently be changed by this turn of events.

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><p><em>So I thought this would be a one-shot but I think I need to break it up. It'll probably be 3 chapters but we'll see. In the meantime, a teaser: Someone from the past will be showing up in the next chapter...if you know me you'll know who it is; and a request: review me please! I'm rusty and I know it so let me know what I can do better. Thanks everyone, stay tuned for more soon!<em>


	2. Chapter 2

From a Mile Away-Chapter 2

_So, I changed things big-time from the finale, don't worry US fans, soon you'll be clued in but this doesn't happen, just me finding the angst and really blowing it up. I like blowing things up, catastrophe is really fun for me to write and think about so that's what's going to happen. Don't know how long this is going to be, not too long, don't have that kind of time, but maybe another chapter or two after this. Let me know what you think and remember that, though I wish sometimes, I don't own Flashpoint._

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><p>It was dark out already. Early evening had quickly turned in to pitch black night in only a few hours; it felt like the sun didn't set, it dropped out of the sky in minutes.<p>

"Damn, it's getting dark so early now." Max Heyden glanced over his partner before returning his eyes to the road. They slowly drove down the streets of Toronto looking for anything out of the ordinary from their unmarked police car.

"I know, it's terrible. I leave in the morning when it's dark, I get home and it's dark; I feel like I haven't seen my girls when they're not in pajamas in weeks." Wordy was new to Guns and Gangs and he and his partner were just getting to know each other. He was enjoying the job but not nearly as much as he did his spot on Team One and he liked his new partner but nothing would measure up to the bonds he formed with his team.

"Weren't you supposed to have that family picnic with your old team and your family?" Max asked with a bit of curiosity. Wordy had been talking about how excited he was to see everyone in a fun setting, get to spend time with his family (blood and extended), and just relax but the call from Winnie had worried him. It was simple, she called him on his cell and told him that the picnic was off, something happened on a call and they were going to be held up for a while. Wordy had tried to figure out what would cause this change, had begged Winnie for more details, but she had to get back to work and he was left to wonder and wait for someone to let him in.

"Yeah, I was supposed to be there but the team got a big call and got held up, we'll reschedule soon." Wordy tried to be nonchalant, he knew that there were plenty of times that he'd had to work much later than he was supposed to but the fear and tension he heard in Winnie's voice rarely came through. He knew that no one was hurt, she would have told him that, but then what would hold them up so much that she couldn't talk about?

"Bet you don't miss that part of the job," Max nudged Wordy with his elbow as they turned a corner. "I mean we might have late nights sometimes but no endless hostage standoffs where the negotiators are trying to find the good in the guy; trying to find a reason that they're doing whatever they're doing or figure out whether to blame it on mommy or daddy." Max laughed as Wordy smiled and looked out the window. He was never huge on the negotiation thing either, didn't quite understand it like Sarge and Jules did, but he'd come to appreciate it. He'd seen far too many people talked off a literal and metaphoric ledge to disregard it; Max and the other guys hadn't had those experiences and he didn't feel like fighting him tonight.

"Hey," Wordy said quickly as he looked out the window, feeling his muscles tighten as he glanced up and down the street. The streetlights showed bright circles on the ground barely overlapping causing shadows to be cast in every direction and secrets to be hidden just out of sight.

"What?" Max asked seriously, trying to drive carefully and slowly while also trying to find what had his partner so worked up.

"I don't know, slow down." Wordy said as he strained his eyes. There was a man walking slowly down the road, his head down, not even aware of the things going on around him. In a part of town notorious for it's drug deals and gang activity everyone kept their eyes and their bodies moving. If they were looking for drugs, they were easy enough to find; if they were looking to avoid the people around them they at least had to be aware of where they were hiding. The man walked under a light again as Wordy and Max both starred at him.

"Is he wearing a bulletproof vest?" Max asked with alarm. When gang members or drug dealers looked like they were expecting a fight, it usually meant that bad things were going to happen.

"Pull over." Wordy said firmly as he unbuckled his seat belt.

"What?" Max asked, confused. "We're unmarked Wordy, we can call for a Uni but we shouldn't take him down on our own." He tried to reason with Wordy, reminding him of his new position and duties.

"Pull the damn car over, Max." He nearly yelled. "I know him." He added as Max checked the surrounding area and pulled up to the curb. Wordy was out of the car before it was even in park and before Max could ask anymore questions.

"Wordy!" Max tried to discreetly get his partner's attention, wishing that he could kick his ass right about now. The man on the street that he was approaching without even unholstering his weapon had "Police" written across his back and Max didn't know if it was legit or if he was a con. He slowly approached, fingering his gun just incase he had to cover Wordy.

"Sarge, what are you doing here?" Wordy's voice was heavy with concern and confusion. "Winnie said you guys got really held up on a call...why didn't you change? Why the hell are you all the way out here? You know how bad this area is boss..." Wordy couldn't help the rapid fire of questions seeing the sunken look on Greg's face. He'd never seen Greg look so exhausted and disenchanted, so lost. "Did someone get hurt?" He thought that he'd gotten that image from his mind but seeing Greg in this condition was making him doubt everything he knew.

"They're all fine." Greg spoke softly, his voice horse. It sounded like he had been crying but Wordy quickly pushed the thought from his mind. Greg Parker was one of the most resilient men he knew; he didn't cry when Jules was shot, he didn't let them see him cry after Lou died and he couldn't have been crying now.

"Wordy, we shouldn't be on the street." Max stood about two feet away from them, his eyes moving constantly as he scanned the area for anyone that shouldn't have been there.

"Come on, boss. I'll give you a ride." Wordy said as he motioned towards the car. Greg stood, seemingly broken from some kind of trance as he looked from the car to Wordy.

"I...I can't go back there, Wordy." He said softly but with passion, almost a fear.

"What do you mean, Sarge?" Wordy asked, his eyes narrowing slightly as he tried to read his long time friend and team member.

"I...I can't, Wordy." He said as he turned away slightly. "I...I messed up. I messed up bad and I...I can't face them...can't face anyone." Wordy's anxiety only grew as Greg tried to explain himself. He'd never heard the man, more articulate and in touch than anyone he'd ever met, stumble over his words and beat around the bush in any sense.

"Boss," Wordy paused a moment, waiting for Greg to look at him before continuing. "Boss, I need you to get in the car. It's not safe for you out here. You don't need to go home or...or to the station but I can't leave you here like this." Wordy felt like he was negotiating and felt terrible for it. This was his friend, the best negotiator in the city, and Wordy was using his own techniques to try and make him comply with his requests.

"Keep moving, ladies." Max's voice came to them again as he headed off some women who were approaching with some less than legal intentions. Wordy moved closer to Greg, sensing Max's mounting anxiety.

"Sarge..." He tried to get his attention again but Greg seemed to be looking at something that no one else could see. "Sarge." Wordy said a bit more loudly as he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go, let's get out of the cold." Wordy led him towards the car, surprised to find that Greg was resisting slightly against his grasp. He got in the driver's seat this time letting Max sit in the passenger's seat and Greg sit in the back. Once they'd pulled away from the curb and made sure that no one was following them, Max turned around in his seat and extended an arm over his shoulder.

"Max Heyden, Guns and Gangs." He introduced himself with a hesitant smile as Greg nodded, not offering his name. Wordy was not only surprised by Greg's lack of response, but worried. He'd never seen him like this, slumped over, his head in his hands now as he seemed to rock back and forth slightly. For an instant Wordy wondered if he'd been drinking but quickly banished the thought. _The boss wouldn't do that no matter what. He worked hard for his sobriety and he wouldn't throw that away because of a hard day. _Wordy rationalized but Greg continued to keep his head down as they drove. _And I would have smelt it on his breath..._He felt bad resorting to his cop tricks to figure out if Greg had been drinking, but he felt like he had no choice, he had to know.

"You okay, Sergeant?" Max asked softly as he offered him a water bottle from the glove compartment. Greg didn't respond or make eye contact as Wordy watched him carefully through the rearview mirror.

"Boss..." Wordy tried to get his attention but couldn't seem to break through to him. "Greg." He tried a little more firmly, this time garnering his attention. "You okay? You want some water?" He asked, almost as if speaking to a child now. Greg shook his head no and returned to his silent musings. Max gave Wordy a questioning look as they got on to more familiar streets.

"Max, our shifts up so I'm gonna drop you at the station. Can you sign the car in and punch me out?" He asked, knowing the answer already.

"Sure, Wordy." Max said hesitantly as he glanced at Greg who hadn't moved.

"Thanks, Max." Wordy offered as they pulled into the garage. "I'll see you in the morning." He said as they both got out of the car and he opened up the back door for Greg.

"Sarge..." He waited for Greg to respond before motioning with his head. "Come on, we have to take my van now." Greg didn't argue this time as he slid out of the backseat and followed Wordy. He let Greg get into the passenger seat as he got into the drivers side but as the doors closed he didn't put the key in the ignition.

"Sarge..." He said again as Greg glanced towards him and nodded. "Look at me, Sarge." He said a bit more firmly. There was finally eye contact and a moment in which they were really looking at each other. Both men had seemed to age in the few months since they last really talked. Lines on their face were more defined and deep, dark circles surrounded both of their eyes. "Are you okay, Sarge?" Wordy asked seriously.

"I'm fine, Wordy." Greg answered, just as masked and emotionless as he could possibly maintain. For a moment, Wordy thought he was talking to Ed, that was his go-to line, but this was different, this was scarier.

"You know what you tell us about that phrase, boss." Wordy said with a slight smile, trying to bring their past and their bond into play. "You said it doesn't mean anything, that's just what most people want to hear, but I want to know if you're really okay." Wordy tried to push slightly, knowing that he wasn't quite doing it correctly but hoping that Greg would see the sentiment. He nodded.

"I'm fine, Wordy." He repeated, his tone leaving no room for farther explanation or questioning. Wordy nodded. He had been trying to hold his breath, refusing to give in to his suspicions and try to detect alcohol, but this was not the Greg Parker he knew. He held the eye contact for a moment longer, carefully looking into Greg's eyes and trying to see any discrepancy in his pupils before taking a subtle deep breath through his nose.

He was a little surprised and he wasn't sure whether to be afraid or relieved. He detected no hint of alcohol. He was relieved at first, knowing that Greg had not fallen off the wagon gave him hope that whatever was happening could be fixed. It was bad, he knew that, but it wasn't so bad that he would resort to those life-shattering coping mechanisms. At the same time though, if he couldn't blame his reactions or lack of explanation on alcohol then what was wrong? What could be so upsetting and debilitating that it would turn Greg into a non-responsive and passive person?

"Boss, I'm going to take you to HQ so you can change and put your gear away." Wordy said definitively. If Greg wouldn't answer his questions, he knew a few people at SRU headquarters that would.

"No." Greg said with an almost pleading expression, just barely keeping the begging from his voice. "I can't go back there, I can't face the team right now." Wordy swore that he saw a tear in Greg's eye but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"What happened today, Boss?" Wordy asked with some caution and anxiety. The last time he'd even come close to seeing Greg like this was when Lou had died and he'd blamed himself but he already knew that everyone was okay. After a few minutes of silence Wordy knew that he was not going to get an answer from Greg but he needed some kind of information.

"Okay, how about I take your vest and gear up to your locker and get your clothes for you? You can wait in the car but you're coming to my house for dinner." Wordy offered. He knew that he needed to at least get some information from HQ but if he could get there and also keep an eye on Greg for most of the night then he'd at least have a better chance at assessing the situation. Greg only offered a nod as his agreement as Wordy also nodded and started the car. He grew even more worried by the moment but hoped that he'd be able to find some friends at HQ to let him in on what was going on.

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><p><em>So I kind of intended for this chapter and the next chapter to be one but this got long and I wanted to post it rather than holding out and it was a good break so...yeah. Let me know what you think so far. Not sure if I like this chapter so much but I like that it has Wordy so congrats if you guessed that one. More to come soon!<em>


	3. Chapter 3

From a Mile Away-Chapter 3

_You guys still with me? I'm not sure I'm liking the way this is turning out, I don't know, maybe I just haven't written in so long that I'm losing my touch. Usually I can't stop writing, I mean literally I'll pound through a chapter a day, but this one I've had to force myself to keep going. Don't worry, I won't leave it unfinished (that's one of my biggest pet-peeves) but just please give me a lot of feedback. This is really the last chapter I've got outlined (in my head) so give me some ideas about where to go please. Thanks for reading and reviewing, I appreciate it. I also don't own Flashpoint but you knew that already, right?_

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><p>Wordy drove fairly slowly across the city to the SRU headquarters. He was trying to be subtle as he glanced over at his friend through the drive, always finding him starting out the passenger window, avoiding all eye contact and connection. Wordy tried to prod a bit more and just talk to Greg, not explicitly asking about work or the call he'd just come from but even small talk led to monosyllable responses. A bit of nostalgia rose in Wordy as he pulled into the SRU parking lot but he swallowed it back, knowing now was not the time to look back on his job and life decisions. He pulled into a spot near what he recognized as Ed's car and as far as he could from Greg's car.<p>

"You're not gonna run for it while I'm up there, right boss?" Wordy said with a joking tone but a serious intention. He just now realized that with him going up to the locker room, he'd need to trust Greg to stay put in his van; normally that wouldn't even come to his mind as a concern but today, with Greg in this state of mind, he wasn't sure. Greg gave a slight smile and a nod as he took off his bullet proof vest and some of the other gear he was carrying.

"Where's you side arm?" Wordy hoped that the question came across in a neutral tone but he was worried below the surface. _Did he have it when I found him? Why would he hide it?_

"I left it in the truck when..." He trailed off for a moment but refocused and started again. "Ed has it by now." Wordy didn't really understand how things had happened during the day but he nodded slowly.

"Okay, just making sure. You know, that's something that people would be looking for, you know?" He tried to keep the tone light but felt he wasn't succeeding. Greg nodded slightly again as he pulled a small key from his pocket. Wordy instantly recognized it as the key to the lockers as he took it.

"You need anything specific, boss?" Wordy asked as he put the key in his pocket and gathered up the gear. Greg shook his head no as Wordy nodded again. "Okay, I'll be back in a few minutes but boss...can I have your other set of keys first?" He felt his heart start to beat a little harder as Greg looked at him with questioning eyes. "Your car keys, boss. Can I have your car keys while I'm up there?" Wordy couldn't get Greg's look of surprise from his mind as he saw him shaking his head slightly.

"I'm not going to run away, Wordy." Even by his voice Wordy could tell he was exhausted and emotional.

"I know boss, I know that you wouldn't do that but...but I'm kind of worried about you right now." Wordy tried to be honest, letting his concern show. "I've never seen you like this." Greg took a few breaths and closed his eyes for a moment, deciding that it wasn't worth spending the energy to fight. He fished another key ring from his pocket and handed it to Wordy, not looking directly at him. "Thank you boss, I'll be back in a few minutes." He added before pocketing the keys and heading into the SRU.

Wordy worked hard to keep his eyes in front of him and to keep himself focused on what he had to do. He walked quickly through the halls knowing he needed to get to the locker room but also get some information. There was something seriously amiss with Greg and before he said anything or tried to push him into telling what was going on, he needed some context of the day and what led up to him walking the streets in full SRU gear, non-responsive and seemingly just on the breaking point. Wordy barely realized when he walked into the SRU, past the communication's desk and into the briefing room without even looking at what team was in it.

"Wordy?" Sam was the first to react as Ed and Spike turned in their chairs and all stood.

"Wordy!" Ed first seemed excited to see his friend but then worried when he saw Greg's vest in his hands. "What are you doing with that?"

"The boss is in my van in the lot, didn't want to come up here but I had to sign the gear in and talk to you guys." He sputtered out his explanation quickly to the silent room. "What the hell happened today? He's pretty much non-responsive, hasn't said three words since I found him wandering past drug deals down on Queen Street. He said that you have his gun." Wordy looked directly at Ed now.

"Yeah, I found it in the truck." Ed nodded as he moved to walk past Wordy.

"Ed, where are you going?" Jules asked as she moved around the table and the team spilled out into the hall following Ed.

"I'm going to talk to him." Ed said simply, a bit of anger in his eyes, before Wordy stepped in front of him.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Ed." He placed a hand on his chest to get him to stop moving as he continued to speak. "He was kind of...I don't know...anxious..." He struggled to find the right words to describe Greg's seeming fear and fatigue about facing the team. "The only reason that I got him to come here was that I promised he wouldn't have to come inside. He said he couldn't face you guys." He glanced around and saw a mixture of anger, sadness, and surprise on the team's faces. "Will someone please tell me what the hell happened today?" He asked again, a little more on edge as they all tensed up. After a moment of silence Ed spoke with a matter-of-fact tone.

"We were on a call, emotionally distraught firefighter took an arsonist hostage in their training burn house. Absolutely no tactical options, it was coming down to a negotiation, we had five minutes until they were both dead and..." He paused for a moment, rubbing his face and shaking his head. "I tried to talk to him but...but the boss walked off. He left the scene. We couldn't talk him out; hostage and subject died." He paused for a moment as Wordy nodded, understanding where some of Greg's guilt and emotion was coming from. "I went looking for him by the command post but all I found was his gun and his suspension papers." Ed rubbed at his face again as Sam jumped in.

"A week ago Toth came back," a chill ran through Wordy as he remembered the hell Toth had put them all through. "He was going to suspend the boss right there but gave him the option." Wordy looked at Sam questioningly, not understanding what option there was. "He said that the boss doubted himself, lacked the confidence to lead us anymore..." Sam trailed off but Jules added picked up.

"There have been some tough calls the past few weeks but we didn't see this coming, not to this degree anyway." There was another silence as Wordy looked around the room and looked at the exhausted and upset faces of his friends.

"Guys..." He said with some urgency in his voice.

"What?" Ed responded, perking up with attention at his friend's tone.

"Where's Spike?"

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><p><em>Not where I intended to end this chapter but I can't write anymore right now and I'm hoping your reviews will motivate me to continue. It's short, I know but please just review and let me know what you think. I know where Spike is, I have a general gist of what's going to happen with that but beyond that I'm torn so give me some ideas. Thanks for reading and reviewing!<em>


	4. Chapter 4

From A Mile Away-Chapter 4

_Thanks for reading and reviewing so far everyone, I really do appreciate it. I've been having a lot of trouble getting going on this one and your encouragement really does help. Special thanks to Mitaya, Psyscaper, and Andorian for giving me really consistently great feedback and kind of spurring me to keep writing and getting things in the right direction. Hoping you guys like this, not sure how much longer it'll be. Keep the ideas and reviews coming please! Vague suicide idea if you squint. Thanks especially to Ace Bullets for reading this over and pointing me in the right direction. I was so stuck, thanks!_

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><p>Spike didn't quite know what he was doing. He heard Wordy's explanation and words and he knew that this might very well backfire but he had to see him, had to get the story from him. <em>Disconnected again, as always.<em> He thought as he jogged down a set of emergency stairs off the back of the SRU. It felt like he was always so far from the team when everything happened. He was always in the truck, gathering information, interviewing people; he wasn't sure if it would be any better to be in the midst of whatever was happening but at least he'd be close to people. He was in the truck when Jules was shot, in the middle of a courtyard when Lou died, a control room when Jules was again in danger, and today he was up in the control tower for the burn house when he saw Greg walk off.

He couldn't believe his eyes. He had to be hearing wrong over the headsets, only in his nightmares did this sort of thing happen...maybe he was just in a restless sleep right now. It would be good to wake up and realize that the whole hell of a day was all an image in his unconscious mind. _He can't be done. _Spike said firmly to himself as he came to the first floor and quickly walked out a back door. He was on the far side of the parking lot. He'd had to avoid walking by the others and alerting them that he was gone so he had to take the long way around the SRU. He knew he didn't have much time before they realized that he was missing so he pushed his pace up a little more to a light jog as he spotted Wordy's green mini-van in the middle of the long lot.

He tried to think of what he was going to say when he saw the boss again, he'd been thinking about it since the call ended, but he was stuck in a mix of emotions. He was caught up in confusion and guilt and sadness and anxiety. When one of the feelings started to ebb away from his mind, the rest came on full force only to ground him again in new loss and realizations of a new reality. Right now though, as he approached Wordy's van, the predominant feeling was anger. He had to ball his fists in order to keep the hurt and anger from showing on his face as he approached the passenger window.

_What the hell? _He would have said it to the boss. He would have asked Greg what the hell his problem was and why he would abandon the team like that but he was left asking the question to himself. _Where the hell is he?_ The anger left his body for a moment as fear overtook him. He glanced in the backseat and the passenger seat again before stepping away from the car and looking around, turning in a full circle as he scanned the area. _Parking lot clear. _He thought to himself as he scanned the blacktop between where he stood and the building. He jogged around Wordy's van and over to Greg's car, seeing it still in his spot but wondering if he was there. He didn't see Greg at his car and the doors were still locked. _Wordy probably took his keys._ He rationalized as his heart started beating a little harder. He turned and faced the field next to the parking lot that held obstacle courses and gun ranges, different training drill set ups, and the shoot house. Spike squinted his eyes trying to take advantage of the small amount of light that was left in the dusk. It would be dark before the hour was up and if Spike couldn't find Greg right now he would need to go get the others.

He didn't see Greg at first but he saw a flash of light from the corner of the field. _The shoot house._ Spike started jogging before he even fully formed the thought. If teams were doing drills at night they would disable the motion sensitive lighting around the concrete structure. Spike heard a door open and close, the rusted metal creaking a bit as he got closer. Either he was chasing a very gutsy teenager that had snuck into the house or he had found Greg. He wasn't sure if he should announce himself as he cracked a door open and tried to navigate his way through the dark halls but he decided against it as he walked slowly, knowing every step of the way. They had trained for hours in this 'house' and the paint splatters on the wall showed it. It was hazy down some hallways, a team must have been practicing with gas or flash bangs earlier but the real smoke had dissipated already.

Spike found his way down a hallway on the third floor with large concrete windows. He remembered climbing up the wall next to Wordy, in their re-qualification, swinging into the structure and, his friend at his side, finishing the drill but only just beginning the problems for Team One. Spike shook his head, trying to clear his head of the memories as he spotted a silhouette at one of the windows. He continued walking, not making a secret of his presence, not wanting to sneak up on Greg, but not saying anything quite yet.

He was still angry and the harsh words he had thought of for the boss were on the tip of his tongue but something held him back. Spike was taken aback at how disheveled Greg looked, the top buttons of his uniform shirt were haphazardly undone and his hat was in his hands. He leaned forward on the wide window sill, looking intently at something off in the distance, something that had to have been shrouded in darkness now. His face was sunken and the dull light of an emergency sign seemed to cast him in a shadow; the lines on his face and the bags under his eyes looking deeper and more pronounced than ever before.

"Boss?" Spike nearly whispered as he slowed his approach and tried hard to look Greg in the eye. Greg didn't move so Spike tried again. "Sarge...you okay?" He asked a bit louder as he stopped moving for fear of crowding him. Again no response. Spike thought that he should probably be gentle, coax Greg into talking or at least looking at him but rationality was far removed at this point. _Think of the drills._ He thought to himself for a moment, trying to ground himself in the job. _But is the job what he wants? He walked away from the job today, maybe I should avoid the formalities. _He considered as his thoughts continued to race in multiple different directions. _Maybe just an honest conversation, we're friends...just Mike to Greg, buddy to buddy. _He thought again as his felt his heart rate and anxiousness increase. _He could just talk me in circles if he wanted to though, I need to make sure I have some control over this. _His mind was starting to reel as he thought of all the options he had, all the different ways the conversation could go and all the different ways he could screw everything up. He'd tried to be rational all day and he'd tried to hold his emotions in but now, seeing the boss and talking to him and getting no response, as if he wasn't even there, he was feeling himself snap.

"What the hell, Greg?" His tone was harsh, much harsher than he had intended. It cut into the silence of the night air and cut him to the bone knowing it came out of his mouth. He regretted it. Well, his mind regretted it but the emotional side of him was finally feeling a little liberated. He bit his tongue and tried to think about what kind of damage control he could do. It might not have been the best thing to say but it elicited some response as Greg broke his focus of whatever was beyond that window and turned slightly towards Spike. He looked so exhausted, so slack jawed and disenchanted that Spike actually felt his eyes widen.

"That didn't come out right, boss..." Spike said as he took a breath to steady himself and tried to refocus the conversation. "You wanna tell me what you're doing up here? I mean...the whole team and, and Wordy, we're all kind of worried about you..." Spike tried to connect and begin the conversation, leaving openings for Greg to jump in and pick up but it didn't seem like he would take the bait. Spike ran a hand through his hair and smiled a bit. "You make this talking to people thing look real easy, Sarge." Spike said with a small smile. He thought he saw the edges of a smirk come to his face as he took a breath and started again.

"What I meant to say before..." Spike felt a blush come again as he remembered his harsh words, "was that I wanted to know what happened today. I want to know if you're okay, boss. Wordy said that when he found you, you weren't really talking..." He paused for a moment and looked away as he tried to hide the hurt in his tone and his eyes. "He said that you didn't want to see us." He looked at a spot just over Greg's shoulder, not wanting to face him at the moment for fear that the hurt and the anger would surface again.

"It's nothing against you, any of you." His eyes glazed over as he continued to breath heavily, trying to hold back tears that were threatening his already tired eyes. Spike was aware that Greg didn't use his name, didn't keep eye contact for more than a few moments, he was intentionally not letting Spike connect with him. There was a long pause and Spike tried to let it persist, tried to let Greg fill it as the training had dictated but he was too vested in the words. He needed to know what was going through Greg's head and he wanted to know it soon, before the rest of the team came looking and things escalated.

"Sarge..." Spike asked softly, hoping to get him back in the moment and on track.

"Don't call me that." Greg almost spat as Spike's eyes widened again in confusion. "I don't deserve your or anyone's respect. I left you guys on a call, you needed me and I walked out. I walked off and people died today." Greg's head dropped to his chest as he rubbed his eyes. Spike took a step forward as he spoke softly.

"Boss, that might have happened whether you were negotiating or not. We're not going to know what happened for sure but...but it doesn't matter now. It's done." Greg looked up and Spike nodded. "That call is done. It's filed away and now we've got to think about tomorrow and we've got to think about two weeks from now."

"No, no Spike." Greg shook his head as he turned and took another step, looking out the window into the now night sky. Spike gave him a minute to elaborate but it didn't seem like he was going to talk much on his own.

"What do you mean, boss?" He flinched as he saw Greg's cutting look at the use of his title. "What do you mean no? The suspension will be up in two weeks." He tried, not sure if he understood where the dispute was.

"I'm not coming back, Spike." He said simply with a heavy tone. "I can't come back." A little softer. "I can't do this anymore." Almost a whisper now as his head dropped and he looked at the wide window sill and the ground in the distance beneath it.

"What do you mean by that, S-" Spike cut himself off, not wanting to agitate Greg any more but not able to drop that title.

"I mean that I can't do this job anymore, Spike. I can't hold these people's lives in my hands. I can't see these people getting killed every day and I can't be the one playing god and ordering someone dead. I shouldn't have that responsibility...I can't deal with that responsibility anymore." He paused again as he took a shaky breath. "Three people died because of me today. Three people to add to the body count attached to my name." His voice was weighed down by pure emotion and hurt and, for the first time since he'd found Greg, Spike felt like he was in over his head. _Connect, respect, protect._ Spike thought to himself, calmed down by the routine and mantra that Greg had taught him all those years ago.

"Have you considered all the people you saved while you were on the force?" Spike asked gently, trying to figure out where to start. "I mean there's a reason we're Team One, our record is really amazing, boss." Greg was shaking his head but Spike pressed on. "It's easy to remember all the people we couldn't get to in time and it's hard to remember that you were doing your best every single day you were out here." Spike tried to speak with hope and to form a connection but Greg continued to shake his head and look away.

"My best isn't good enough any more, Spike." He took a breath as he looked out over the ledge again. "I can't keep living these nightmares every day." Greg seemed somber, almost resigned as he stood at the window sill and let his voice drift off into the night air. Spike bit his lip again, hating what he had to say, hating the day and the situation and all the feelings that were bubbling up and making him sweat.

"Boss..." He whispered at first, almost regretting sneaking away from the team, knowing that he could use their support right now. "Greg," He said with a bit more confidence as he got his attention, rarely using his commanding officer's first name. "Can you do me a favor and take a few steps back from that window? I just want to talk here and I don't want either of us to be thinking about that." Spike knew that Greg wasn't suicidal. He wasn't going to jump, not on his worst day he wouldn't do that but Spike wouldn't put it past him, in his state of mind, to lean a little more forward, to let gravity take over and end the pain he was feeling.

Spike was finally seeing it. Greg had reached a breaking point. He didn't care what happened to him, he felt like he was useless to the team and to the people that counted on them every day. _One too many bad calls. _Spike considered briefly before shaking his head slightly. _A lot too many things going wrong at once. _That seemed a little more accurate but Spike still felt like there were things he was missing.

Greg had slowly nodded and took a few steps away from the window. He also knew that, while he wasn't suicidal, he probably shouldn't tempt fate. He wanted to be alone, locked up somewhere where he couldn't hurt anyone; where no one would be hurt by his failure of a life. He had tried, he'd really turned things around and, for a decade, he almost fooled himself. He almost convinced himself that things were okay but they weren't. He was the same failure that he was before. He let his family down ten years ago and he emotionally left them. Now, the people that had relied on him and had grown to respect and trust him were left hanging in the same way. He didn't want to exist at this point, didn't want so many people to suffer because of him and his flaws.

"Listen Greg, I'm not here to negotiate you." Spike started speaking confidently, as he would to a friend as he moved a step closer. "I know you don't need to be talked off a ledge here, you just want to be alone but...but you never let me get away with that." Spike smiled at bit as he leaned against a wall facing Greg. "There have been time where I've wanted nothing more than to melt into my bed, not move for the rest of my life, not talk to anyone but you didn't let me. You came to my house and you sat with me until I talked because you knew that it would be better for me. I knew it too, I just didn't want to admit it then." He could tell that Greg was listening, remembering the times after Lou had died and he'd come and sat in the hard desk chair in his room, not pushing, not forcing him to talk, but just being there. It had helped more than Spike had ever let on.

"Now it's my turn Greg. It's my turn to sit here and wait it out because you and I both know that however unmanageable this feels right now, however unredeemable you feel you are, and how shattered your confidence might be, we can work through it. You don't want to admit it right now, it hurts too much for you to see it and I get that," Spike paused for a minute, moving ever so closer to Greg, almost within arms reach. "I get it." He said again strongly, his eyes conveying more emotion than Greg had ever seen in the young man. "And I'm gonna be here, we all are. We're going to be there until you're ready to let us in, boss. You might not be able to see it but we One isn't Team One without you leading us and we are not letting you off the hook. When you're ready, we're going to talk about this." Spike spoke with confidence as he stood with his back to the wall, letting his body slide down until he was sitting on the ground. He pulled a small flashlight from his belt and stood it on it's end so it faced the ceiling, illuminating the section of the hallway they were in.

Spike pulled out his phone and quickly pulled up Ed's contact, sending a quick text. _I'm with him. We're fine, stay in HQ, might need you._ He sent it and turned his phone on silent, not wanting to be interrupted by the calls that Ed and every member of the team would respectively make. Greg was thinking and Spike took it as a good sign but he also wondered again if he was in over his head, if he was saying the right things. He knew that just talking about all the great things the boss had done would do nothing; he was too far gone at this point and he needed to be drawn back into reality before he could be reaffirmed but he wasn't sure this was the right way to do it. He hoped that Greg would talk to him, hoped that there was enough mutual trust and respect, but most of all, he hoped that he wouldn't mess things up even further.

Greg backed up against the wall on the other side of the narrow hallway and slid down the wall, sitting opposite of Spike. There was a look of contemplation coming over his expression as his eyes finally met Spike's.

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><p><em>Not exactly where I wanted to end this but it was getting too long. Consider this me making up for taking forever with this update. Please review. I'm obviously having trouble with this one and hearing what you think and the different ideas is really really helping me. Again, thank so much to Ace Bullets for all your help, you probably saved this chapter and the story at this rate. Also, Andorian gave me some photographic motivation which spurred the final marathon of finishing this chapter up. Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing.<em>


	5. Chapter 5

From A Mile Away-Chapter 5

_I don't even know what to say right now other than express my apologies. I'm still alive, thank you to some of you who inquired because this is really so uncharacteristic of me to leave a story unfinished for so long. I try to update promptly, it's one of my biggest pet-peeves when a good story pops up and then it's abandoned or updated at such a slow pace it's so hard to read. So, for that I really do apologize. _

_You know how I said a few chapters ago that I could really feel what Greg was feeling during "Slow Burn?" Real life has kind of been simultaneously great and terrible and so busy. I'm a full time student, a double major with a minor, president of a club, executive board of a few others, three jobs, some family problems...a lot of stuff going for me but I got exceptionally overwhelmed and burned out this semester. There was a period of a few days where I didn't leave my bed, didn't go to class, didn't answer e-mails or answer my friends banging at my door, and I had to take a short leave of absence from school. Still got straight As, still just as busy, but it's summer and I've got some time to relax now. Granted, not much because I'm presenting at a conference in two weeks but I've got enough time to sit down and try to pound out another installment of this. _

_A warning: I didn't have much of an outline when I started this story and I hate the direction it's going. I hated it six months ago when I started and now I'm trying to just get a grasp for writing these characters again so bear with me and I promise, my next story will be infinitely better than whatever happens with this. Thank you for sticking with me and thank you for bearing with the long A/N._

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><p>It was a quiet night, but not eerily so, and a cool breeze swept though the concrete building; just enough to keep the sweat from dripping down Spike's brow. He was nervous, more than he ever was. He was good at keeping his cool, not letting his anxiety show through; he couldn't afford to usually. He was the one at the control panel, needing to type code without mistakes under pressure, needing to diffuse bombs with steady hands; if anyone on the team could put up the facade of being calm, it would be him, but this was throwing him off. He wasn't a negotiator, he never would be. He passed the drills, even though it took a while, and he knew what to say and do by the book, he just hadn't really had the experience. He was literally the last man on the team they would need to negotiate unless there was some specific reason he'd connect to the subject. Ed always joked around with him that if they ever encountered a mad scientist having a mental breakdown, they'd call Spike first. So far he thought he was doing an okay job. He had gotten Greg to talk, something that Wordy apparently had had trouble with, and he'd gotten him to relax a bit and move away from the window. He was making sporadic eye contact and seemed to be thinking about what to say, all positive steps, Spike just hoped that he would measure up to whatever Greg needed at the moment.<p>

Spike's cell phone continued to light up with missed calls and text messages as it sat on the floor next to him on silent. He saw the glow of the screen and glanced at it on occasion, seeing all the familiar numbers and names pop up with progressively more frustrated and worried messages. Ed seemed to be making every other call, worried not only about his friend who he couldn't talk sense into today, but his young team member who was out there without support or someone to fall back on.

"How long do you think we have until Eddie traces your phone and comes charging in with a battering ram?" Greg looked off a bit, a fake, joking smile plastered onto his face as he glanced towards Spike.

"He won't come unless I ask him to. We've got all the time in the world." Spike motioned widely with his arms as he let the room fall back into silence. It was tough not to say anything. He desperately wanted to shake sense into Greg, make him understand all the contributions he had made and all the people that trusted and depended on him but it didn't work that way. Spike could talk until he was red in the face but unless Greg set the pace and was ready to hear it, it would only put him in a deeper hole. Though some anger and hurt still remained, worry was the overriding feeling Spike felt. As minutes ticked by he wondered what would happen if Greg stone walled him. He said that he could stay all night, and he would, but patience would only get him so far before Ed _did_ become more persistent and the cold would force them to move. He mentally berated himself for not thinking about how to approach the situation before he confronted Greg and for not paying more attention to the actual art of negotiation. _No, you're not negotiating. _Spike reminded himself. _You're being a friend, offering your ear...just getting him talking and listening._

He tried to figure out what to do with his hands and his eyes as he sat and waited. He knew that he had to portray patience and confidence but also seem open to talking and listening at a moments notice. He extended his feet in front of him, his back resting against the wall as he looks off at a spot just over Greg's shoulder. _Hydrogen...Helium...Lithium...Beryllium...Boron._.. Spike couldn't help but smile. He'd memorized the periodic table when he was ten years old and it never failed him when he needed to keep his mind occupied and his mouth shut. _Carbon...Nitrogen...Oxygen..._

"I really screwed up out there today." Greg said simply as he shook his head. Spike tried to think of what to say, feeling the competing words in his mind as he took a breath.

"You made a choice boss." He shrugged and waited for Greg to look up before continuing. "In the heat of the moment you only get a second to make a choice but you get to live your whole life questioning it." Spike tried to be non-committal and tried to take the focus away from that afternoon. Things could have gone better; they all knew that, but it was done. Greg being in this state didn't happen because the call had gone badly, this had been building for a long time and that's where Spike wanted to go.

"You get a whole lifetime of regret." Greg mumbled softly as he shut his eyes and shook his head. Spike allowed the pause to persist, he knew that Greg would fill it. "A whole lifetime of wondering if you did the right thing. A whole lifetime of nightmares and reminders of the pain you've seen and the pain you've caused." Greg opened his eyes again and looked directly at Spike with a serious, almost pleading expression. "There's only so much pain that one person can hold on to." Spike took a breath and nodded.

"I hear you, boss." He replied softly. He really did know the feeling of drowning in sadness and pain and desperately wanting an escape. "But choices are never black and white. There's no one right or wrong answer to any situation, you taught me that." Spike smiled a bit and Greg returned his smirk as he remembered the countless hours he spent working with Spike on his negotiation.

"You always got caught up on that. Never wanted to say something wrong." Greg remembered. "It took months of me telling you that there was no right answer before you started to go with your heart rather than your brain."

"Yeah, well we always knew I had a thick skull." Spike laughed slightly as he nodded. "I was always afraid that if I used the wrong word or something I'd set someone off...it's a lot of pressure being put on the spot and being told to talk someone down; being the only thing between a happy ending and a bullet to their brain. I couldn't imagine doing it every day." Spike spoke softly, not so subtly trying to bait Greg into talking, into giving him something more to grab on to. Greg nodded and, after a pause, Spike felt like he had to add to the statement. "And on top of that you've got to call scorpio and worry about the safety of the team...Greg I can't even imagine the pressure you're under every day to always come up with the right answers where there are none."

Spike thought he could see tears forming in Greg's eyes but he didn't draw attention to it. Spike was okay with emotion, more okay than the rest of the guys on the team it seemed; it was something that he and Greg had in common. He decided to let the silence go on for a while, to let that process and see if Greg would pick up the conversation. Though it was fairly unconventional in terms of strategy, it seemed that Spike doing the talking was working out. He was just surprised that he hadn't screwed up badly yet. Usually in a negotiation (which Spike was still trying to convince himself that this wasn't) it was key for the subject to do most of the talking and the negotiator to mirror those emotions and show that they understood. Usually just the act of proving that a person wasn't alone and was understood was enough to soften them up and get them to a threat yellow or green. In this case it seemed that things had to be taken a step further. Spike couldn't just take Greg's words and emotions and push them back at him, he needed to prove that he intuitively knew the pain that he hadn't even expressed yet. Spike needed to take the leaps and prove that he knew the very demons that Greg was wrestling with.

"But...I guess you've gotta be able to believe in your choices though." Spike started softly, almost contemplative. "Gotta be able to believe that every choice is an opportunity even if it doesn't turn our the way we hope. I mean, it's still our choice to own. It's still our thing to feel." Spike paused for a moment and made eye contact with Greg, seeing that he was hanging on every word. "The most difficult decisions to make are about love, and friendship, and doing what's right and I can see how you've felt like your choices are so impossible." He paused again, leaning forward as he spoke with passion.

"We're a family, boss." He hesitated a moment before speaking but quickly regained his confidence as he already felt a blush rising in his checks. "You're...you're like my father, Greg. I know it sounds weird when I say it out loud but you're more a father to me than my dad ever was. There's a connection between the whole team that I've never felt before. And it feels like it's your sole responsibility to keep us safe in a job that doesn't ever guarantee that any of us will be walking away at the end of the day. That responsibility must be crushing." Spike allowed the long pause to follow before Greg nodded slightly.

"Haunting." At Spike's perplexed expression, Greg elaborated. "The responsibility for the team, the ability to call for scorpio, all the lives I've seen lost, it's haunting and crushing at the same time. It's overwhelming and it's scarier than anything and I've just been doing it for too long, Spike." He paused for a few seconds and leaned his head against the concrete wall. "I'm tired, and I'm burned out, and I can't do it anymore. I think of you like a son, Spike, I do. And that's why this is so much more draining. You're all a part of my family and I can't keep bringing my family out there and knowing that it's up to me to bring you all back safely. I'm so afraid to lose any of you again." There were tears breaking away from Greg's eyes now as they ran down his checks. If the flashlight had a wider beam, Greg probably could have seen the twin trails of tears running down Spike's face as well but they both kept their composure.

"I get it, boss." Spike said with a nod. "I get that fear because I have it too. And you know what? We've all got that fear and we're all in that together. You're not the odd one out for feeling that fear so intensely that sometimes you just want to quit, you're just the only one that never showed the cracks in your armor. You're so concerned about us that we weren't able to see you breaking and I know that we all wish we had." Greg looked like he was going to rebut the statement, say that it wasn't their responsibility to watch out for him, but Spike wouldn't let him.

"Boss, sometimes that love breaks you down because the fear and the pain just eats away at you, but the team...family...that's what puts you back together."

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><p><em>Ugh. Hate the cliche end quote here, haven't proofread this but I need to just post if before I decide against it. Your reviews are going to really give me the motivation to write this summer so I'd really appreciate it if you'd take a second and let me know what you think. Please just remember that this is terrible. Also, back in January Ace Bullets helped me out a lot and I'm not even sure if they'd want their name attached to the bad quality and development that this is, but it's worth a shout out. I rushed this, probably should have separated it into a few more chapters and really built it up but I need to finish this story. Probably one more chapter to come. Suggestions are welcome, not quite sure where I want to go with it though there will be wrap up with the team. <em>


	6. Chapter 6

From A Mile Away-Chapter 6

_Sorry again for this taking so long to update. It's really one of my biggest pet-peeves that things get abandoned for months and then you lose all cohesiveness to the story. But this is the end of this one. I'll say more at the end of this but just know that typos are completely my fault. I got an iPad as an early birthday present and I typed the entire chapter on there, I only put it on my computer to upload and even though I edited this, it was late at night and who knows what auto-correct things I missed. So thanks for reading, thanks for your reviews and I hope you enjoy this last chapter._

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><p>It took all Spike had to keep from obviously shivering between his nervousness of feeling as if he overstepped in his comments and the sheer cold that had seemed to permeate his t-shirt and cool pants . He desperately wanted to sit still, he didn't want Greg to feel like they should leave or to feel guilty for talking to him; if either of those things happened their conversation would be over and, though Spike had definitely made some headway Greg was not back to normal.<p>

In the silence Spike found himself wondering if Greg would ever be 'back to normal' though. He'd said it time and time again since they'd been talking, he was tired, burned out, haunted, and guilt ridden...could Greg come back from that place of pure darkness and despair? Could anyone? Their job, especially in the role of Sergeant, was not known for it's long term potential. Most SRU officers could make it for 10 or 12 years physically if they get lucky and avoid most injury but psychologically the job took a much larger toll than most anticipated. Spike couldn't help but remember an incident years earlier when a mentor to all of the team and one of the founders in principle of the SRU barricaded himself in the briefing room and nearly took his own life after suffering from severe PTSD and flashbacks. What would come of Greg and Ed and the rest of the team in 20 years when they'd all probably be retired and on their own? The thought was too difficult to finish. The thought of their team ever ending, on good terms or by force, was too hard to comprehend and the idea that things might be changing sooner rather than later made Spike's heart beat faster than when he was ever diffusing a bomb or standing at gun point.. Come on, they'll be other times to worry about yourself. Spike was frustrated that he'd let his mind wander and veer off in such a catastrophic path. Focus now. Greg needs hope. You've proven that you get what he's feeling, now finish it off and just get him to a place where he'd be open to talking...Greg stood suddenly and Spike shot up as well not sure what to think.

"Come on, Spike, you're wearing a t-shirt and you've got to be freezing." Greg said with a hint of a smile.

"I'm fine, boss." Spike stilled all his muscles and shrugged his shoulders. His arms were covered in goosebumps and now that he was standing his legs (which had been crossed on the ground) felt a jolt form the cold air.

"Come on, Spike" Greg said again with a smile as he moved closer and put his arm around Spike's shoulders, "I do have a little experience being a dad and I know that kids will say anything to keep playing outside after dark." Spike smiled and accepted the warmth that Greg's body emitted but he still didn't move from where he stood.

"Sarge, I'm serious, I can stay and I want to stay if you want to talk." Spike made a point of turning and looking Greg in the eye, trying to show his sincerity despite the fact that Greg could now feel his skin and chill.

"I know you'd stay and you have no idea how much I appreciate it, Mike." The use of Spike's 'real name' and the weight that it carried wasn't lost on him as Greg nodded. "But you shouldn't be holding my guilt. It's not fair and I think I'm ready to let some other people into this circle." Spike was hugely relieved to hear that Greg was willing to talk. He had no idea what he would have done if, after this encounter, Greg still refused to see the team or get help. "But promise me something Spike?" Greg said it as a question and it worried him.

"Yeah, boss?" Spike nearly whispered, not sure what he was promising.

"Make sure you visit your Dad's grave and...just try to forgive him. I know that it's tough and it might take time but...people do a lot of things for the people they love that just don't make sense at the time. Sometimes it's walking away, sometimes it's silence, but the motivation is pretty much the same." Greg slowly started walking them out of the building, leading Spike as he thought in silence. When they were about half way across the field on their way towards the building Spike spoke softy, almost as if he'd been enlightened by a thought.

"I think...I think I forgave him a long time ago. I mean I was angry for a long time, I still am at times but...I understood why he was doing it. At a certain point I think even he regretted giving me the silent treatment for the last two years of his life but...but I don't think he could forgive himself for that. I don't think that he could reconcile the fact that he was hurting both of us because he loved me so much and he just felt like he couldn't take it back. He felt like reaching out would make him seem weak and I think that he felt like he needed to be strong for me and my mom when all we wanted from him was a conversation...does that make sense?" He asked as he broke out of his reminiscent speculation.

"Yeah Spike...it makes perfect sense."

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><p>"I really hope that you can all accept my apology but I also understand if you can't yet. I did something really unforgivable leaving you guys today, you were a man down and that could have left you all vulnerable if the circumstances were different." Greg paused for a moment and looked around the room. Sam sat close to Jules, closer than they usually would when they were trying to keep their relationship secret but still professionally acceptable; they still needed to get used to the idea of being officially allowed in a realationship. Greg had seen the voicemail from the chief of police and Spike had filled him in on the team dynamics since the call on their way up to the briefing room. Raf sat on the other side of the table, seeming to be paying attention to what was being said but simultaniously in his head. It,was obvious that , even though he'd been on the team for a much shorter time than anyone else, he still felt the bond they held very deeply. Wordy stood against the wall behind Raf, his arms crossed as he leaned on the window sill, just through his demeanor, Greg could tell that he was being supportive and just trying to figure out where he fit in with the team now. He didn't want to admit it and make Wordy feel guilty but having him there felt right. Spike sat close to Greg while everyone else made an effort to keep their distance. Greg knew they were evaluating him, trying to figure out what kind of state he was in, but it was comforting to have Spike close, encouraging him with a soft smile.<p>

Greg was most concerned about Ed and his reactions. The moment they emerged from the elevator Ed put Greg in the briefing room with the rest of the team with explicit directions to stay put and he literally pulled Spike by his collar to another room. They were only away for a few minutes and Ed seemed just as frustrated as he was at the call today so Greg assumed that Spike didn't tell him much. Now Ed stood in the doorframe leaning against the wall similar to Wordy. Where Wordy seemed concerned and supportive though, Ed seemed to be mixed between anger and worry.

"But what happened today wasn't about today." Greg continued to speak, needing to at least try and express some of what was going through his head. "What happened today was what happened when I kept my fear to myself and when I let myself get so drawn into a cycle of self blame and guilt. It's happened before, that cycle of...emotional turmoil but the last time it got this bad I went for a bottle and threw away the life I had and let the people I loved get away. This time I ran away from that pain because I didn't know how to stick it out. It wasn't right but...I didn't realize how important it was that I stuck around." He took a breath and tried to keep the tears from coming to his eyes. "I realized how much your all meant to me but...I didn't realize how much I was loved." He met everyone's eyes and lingered on Spike's for a moment as he spoke again.

"Someone told me recently that keeping up the allusion of stregnth isn't as important as being honest...honestly, I'm having a hard time. I'm not in a good place right now but I know that this isn't going to last forever. And, hopefully in two weeks, I'll be set to join you guys again if you want to take me back and if the department okays it." There was a pause for a moment as everyone processed what was said before Sam spoke.

"Of course we want you back, boss." His tone expressed that there was no question in Greg's return, it was stated as if blatantly obvious. " No one blames you for what happened today, we've all been there." He shrugged as the rest of the team, except Ed, nodded and stood from their chairs and made their way to where Greg stood. Sam grasped Greg's hand tightly and gave a meaningful nod before leaving the room, a nod that expressed his knowledge of the deep guilt that Greg and he held and shared to an extent. Rat also shook his hand but didn't say anything. He'd been on the team for a few months now but he knew there were still things he needed to be caught up on and let into the loop about; it would come in time but not tonight. Jules stood on her toes and hugged Greg tightly seeming to not want to let go. She whispered in his ear for him to call her anytime and he nodded before she unwrapped her arms from around his shoulders.

"Wordy..." Greg said softly as his friend extended his hand. "I can't thank you enough for insisting I come with you. I was in a real bad place, not sure what would have happened if you hadn't picked me up..." Greg hadn't really thought about the long term prospects of what could have happened to him on the streets, he didn't want to think about how close he'd come to stopping in a bar and he was just glad that Wordy had the good sense and training to talk him into the car and back to the SRU.

"You know I've always got your back, boss." He said with a smile. "Shelly's been asking about you, she really has wanted to have you guys over for dinner or a barbecue once it gets a little warmer."

"That sounds great." Greg nodded and made a point of looking him in the eye again. "Thank you, for everything Wordy." He nodded before going towards the door of the briefing room and patting Ed's shoulder as he passed.

"Spike, give me and Greg a minute." Ed phrased it as a request but the glare in his eyes showed that this was an order not to be contested.

"Yeah, I gotta change and...yeah..." Spike went around the table the long way as to not get in Ed's path, realizing half way through his sentence that his words didn't really matter, he just needed to get out. After Spike left Ed closed the doors to the briefing room and moved a little closer to the table. Neither he nor Greg sat down as he seemed to nod.

"Eddie, you've been one of my closest friends for nearly 15 years." Greg started speaking, trying to pre-empt the seeming anger that Ed was holding but he didn't have a chance to go on before He spoke.

"I thought you'd gone back to that place Greg. I thought I'd lost you again...I was afraid that there was no coming back this time." He rubbed his temples as he recounted the deep fear and guilt that he felt at the prospect of again losing his friends to alcohol and to the stresses of the job. "I just wish I'd been able to help you. I wish I'd paid more attention and that I would have known how much you were hurting..."

" I walked away from my team, Ed. I walked away from you and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Greg hated that Ed felt guilty and felt that he needed to apologize to him the most.

" Well, you do the math on this. How many times have you been there for me? I have nothing but repect for you, Greg, and you never have to apologize to me for anything."

"I've got no words for you, my friend, I've got no words for you. No words that can, that can describe what youve done for me and who you are to me." They both stood in silence for a long moment, each thinking about what the other had said and trying to figure out what came next. Ed looked up from his thoughts before taking long strides over to Greg and engulfing him in a hug. It was a rare show of such open and vulnerable emotion from him but that made it feel even more special to Greg.

"Come on, Sophie's already set up the guest room for you and she left us some dinner." Greg looked perplexed for a moment before smiling, of course Ed knew that the evening would end with him staying over. There was no way they would let him go home alone...

"You called Dean already?" Greg assumed that Ed had taken care of his son but it didn't stop the instant of panic from rising up in his chest.

"He's sleeping over with Clark. Apparently they want to build a go-cart." Ed rolled his eyes. "More like death trap. I told them that they had the weekend to start and finish it and they could use only what they found in my shed." Greg's eyes widened as Ed laughed. "What, you think they can build an engine out of some old paint cans and spare wires?"

"No, no I don't think they can build an engine in two days but don't you keep your law mower in the shed?" Ed stopped mid-step.

"They wouldn't dare." he said half as a statement, half as a question.

"Well, they are our sons." Greg said with an almost mischievous smile.

"God, I hope the apple falls very far from the tree..."

"Yeah...but they've also got our mistakes to learn from." Greg mused. "At least we can teach them a little bit about what paths to take. Try to help them avoid our pain."

"Most of me hopes they listen and they never experience the anguish and the heartbreak and the grief that we've had but...but I also hope that they have a little bit of it. Just enough to make them appreciated the moments of love and trust and happiness. It's trial and error and every breath we take adds to all those experiences, makes us who we are." Ed paused for a moment before looking at Greg and smiling. "I don't think I'd change a thing."

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><p><em>So like I said, that's it for this one. I kind of feel bad that I don't have a real ending with Spike but he had the last three chapters to himself and I hoped that the stuff before the page break was enough for him. I used some direct quotes from "Slow Burn" in the conversation between Ed and Greg here at the end so that's obviously not mine (far too eloquent.) I really hope to see your reviews, they make my day and they really motivate me to keep writing. It's been a real struggle lately to write and I miss it but I'm having a lot of trouble getting things to work so bear with me. Let me know what you think and keep an eye out (hopefully) for more stories soon. Thanks so much everyone!<em>


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